This is a follow up to last Monday’s blog on Emotional Intelligence.
This one is about expressing your anger or frustration to people whose behavior you don’t like.
This is sometimes known as Assertiveness Training.
Now, as it happens, I used to run courses in Assertiveness Training about 15 years ago for the Adult Education Service in Berkshire.
One thing I noticed about some of my fellow trainers is that they were rarely in a relationship themselves and, usually, had very few friends. That was how I concluded that, for them, Assertiveness was another name for what Richard Bandler used to call ‘Loneliness Preparation’.
Because the way some of them taught the basic course it came over as way too confrontational.
Being truthful about your emotions, desires and needs is most certainly not helped by confrontation. Instead, it’s about being blunt and to the point – but nice with it; stating your own point of view while appreciating that the other person has a point of view too; being clear about what you want, while being ready to give the other party something in return.
I made some similar points in a book I once wrote with Roy Johnson, called Influencing People. That book still sells well and a few readers tell me they found the techniques in the book very powerful.
There is also an excellent blog on respectful communication on JohnPlaceOnline. One thing I really like about John Place’s advice is that he teaches the importance of listening to the other person while you are asserting yourself. If you don’t do that then the other person isn’t going to listen to you full stop. Which defeats your aim. Another point I liked was that, when asserting yourself, you stick to stating the facts rather than going in for name-calling.
The aims of Assertive communication are:
1. To practice being truthful
2. To express, resolve and clear your emotions (see my blog on Emotions).
3. To get some personal need satisfied (e.g. respect, cooperation, improved relationships).
The four most common mistakes that people make when handling conflict:
a. Sounding resentful
b. Blaming people
c. Being vague about what happened
d. Being vague about what they want
Making any of those mistakes means you won’t get what you want. Instead you will most likely have an argument and end by feeling even more frustrated than when you started. You may also end up a bit more lonely than you were before.
A formula for being assertive
This is a method we teach in Reverse Therapy. It’s a simple process and is summed up by the mnemonic:
EVEN COD NEED AIR
EVEN stands for the Event. Here you need to be clear and factual about what actually happened. For example, say ‘While we were at dinner you told me to be quiet in front of our friends‘ not ‘You’re always humiliating me when we’re out in public.’
COD stands for the Consequence. Here you need to state a mutual result that you both want, or that neither of you want. For example, say: ‘I’d like to find a better way for us to do the social minefield‘ or ‘Our friends might think we aren’t getting along‘ not ‘Now you go and ruin my dinner party!‘
NEED stands for your Needs – what you want to have happen next. This requires you to be clear about the new behaviors you are asking for. For example, say ‘Next time we are out together and you want to tell me something like that then please tell me in private.’ not ‘Why can’t you ever learn to treat me right?’
AIR stands for Appreciation – appreciating the other person’s point of view. This could range from appreciating your partner’s intentions, sympathizing with the situation they were in, thanking them for something, or expressing affection, friendship or love.
Appreciating intentions – ‘I can understand you not wanting me to embarrass myself.
Sympathizing: ‘I get that you have had a tough day and you’re really tired.’
Thanking: ‘First, I want to say thanks for coming tonight. It meant a lot to me.‘
Expressing: ‘You know, I appreciate you looking out for me”
(Appreciation, by the way, can go anywhere in your statement – at the start, in the middle, or at the end. Personally, I prefer to put it at the start if possible, as that tends to get people’s attention).
When you are done you can invite a discussion, artfully turning the other person’s attention to your stated needs rather than going over what happened.
‘Can you think of a better way?’
‘What would work for you?’
‘Would you do that for me?’
If you practice at first on small grievances and work on up, and practice this process every day – then I guarantee you will get results – and so will the people you most care about.
Next post: I will write about people who won’t play ball – the bullies, manipulators and control freaks. And what to do about them when you use this process.