1. Live in the past.
This is the golden rule. Thinking that you have been fucked up by your childhood, or by people who bullied or abused you, is a cast-iron guarantee that you have joined the Victim Club.
2. Hand your power over to others.
This is Rule number 2. You simply have to see other people as more attractive, happier, and more powerful than you are. Be sure to think of these people as part of an unspoken conspiracy to do you down.
3. Whinge – often.
One sure way to draw attention to the fact that you are a victim is to complain a lot. This takes practice, I recommend that you use a dictaphone and develop a script which explains why you can’t do things you want to be doing but your childhood, bad luck, current illnesses, the system, the authorities, your enemies, etc., won’t let you do them.
4. Keep listening to the bad thoughts.
Like: “I am a stupid/bad/guilty/fucked up/useless failure”. Be sure not to do anything else with your day but sit around and listen to Headmind.
5. Do as little as possible.
Good losers don’t actually do anything. They just sit around and think about the what-might-have beens.
6. Do resentment
This is really a re-run of rule number 2. Gossip as much as you can about people who appear to be better-off than you are. Be sure to dwell on their weaknesses and problems and try to make out that they owe everything to ‘luck’.
7. Do Depression
This is related to tips Number 4 and 5. If you want to be a victim then think as much as you can about your past failures and your future hopelessness. Learn how to be depressed and do it well.
8. Be a pessimist.
Professional victims believe they are doomed. That they are in the power of things that they cannot control. That little they do makes any difference, That the world is in the grip of evil powers. Be sure to think the same way.
9. Blame your frustrations on other people.
When Bodymind notices that you are acting like a victim it creates an emotion called frustration. This signal-state is actually telling you to get a life. But don’t do that. Instead, tell anyone who wants to listen that your horrible emotions have been caused by dark forces beyond your control.
10 Do things that demean you.
This is a tricky one. You could stay in a dead-end job. Or you could stay in a relationship that’s past it’s sell-by date (see next item). You could also stay in a rut. Or focus all your attention on other peoples’ problems. But the safest tip is to always talk yourself down. Don’t stint on this: keep telling people how miserable you are.
11. Keep doing dysfunctional relationships.
Victims never learn from their mistakes. They keep choosing the same stupid partners again and again. Always do internet chats/fantasize about/go to bed with/marry people who are losers just like you. Be sure to end the ‘relationship’ by telling as many people as you can how awful your ex-partner was and how this has screwed you up even more than before.
12. Believe everything you are told.
Spend as much time as you can reading the newspapers, watching morning television, or Googling items that explain why you are a victim. Then go and see a Therapist.
13. Visit doctors/psychiatrists/psychotherapists/counsellors – often.
See Rule 2 and Rule 12. Because you are a victim you will need constant help. Help in understanding why you are a victim. Prescription drugs to help you through the pain of failure. Counselling so that you can become a proficient whinger and get even more stuck.
14. Do lots of courses that promise a better life – and fail.
You might need some government grants for this. Always choose dodgy courses that
suggest that you will cease to be a victim once you have mastered the
formula for success. Then, once the course has finished, you can blame
your failures on the trainer.
15. Rage on about conspiracy theories.
See Rule 2. Adolf Hitler – who was perhaps the most famous victim in history – believed that the Jews were behind a plot to do him and his friends down. Other groups that control victims include the ‘System’, the Freemasons, the Templars, Opus Dei, the Illuminati and spaceships from Venus. Follow Adolf’s example and use monotony to explain why your life has been spent in a long struggle against dark forces.
16. Ignore your passions.
This could well be Golden rule number 3. It’s important to understand that you are not important. You are not here for any particular reason and nor have you been provided with any particular gifts, talents, or Personal Genius. Because you live most of the time in your Head you find it unbelievable that Bodymind is continually using emotions to prompt you towards being a real human being.