9 Habits of Resilient People

9 Habits of Resilient People

Over thirty-six years as a psychotherapist I’ve been fortunate to meet hundreds of resilient people — some of them very humble, not obvious heroes, who nonetheless overcame terrible personal tragedies. Resilience is the ability to manage adversity: everything from parenting an out-of-control teenager to rebuilding a life after illness, bereavement, or the loss of a career.

Watching closely, over the years, for what these people had in common, I noticed nine habits that recur again and again. Not everyone has all nine — most people have some, and a few have nearly all of them, often having added to the list gradually over time. What follows is what I’ve learned from them, habit by habit.

1. They tell it the way it is

Resilient people are authentic. They can’t lie to themselves, and they don’t lie to others. When they’re happy they’ll tell you so; when they need help, you’ll hear that too.

This truth-telling rests on a deeper principle: seeing things as they really are, rather than through wishful thinking or “junkmind” worries. Resilient people don’t listen to worries, and they don’t kid themselves when things are genuinely difficult — because knowing the truth about a situation is what equips you to handle it.

This is closely tied to emotional intelligence (see habit 4). Because emotions are the brain’s way of mobilising us to act, it matters that we both recognise and articulate them. Resilient people will tell you when they’re sad or scared in the same breath as when they’re angry, and they’ll express joy and excitement just as freely. They know how to move closer to their friends, and they know how to defend themselves when they need to.

2. They have solid personal boundaries

A common source of stress is becoming overloaded with other people’s demands. An equally common one is becoming so isolated that there’s no one to turn to when things get bad. Knowing when to open up to people, and when to say ‘no’ when you can’t take on any more, is what personal boundaries are for.

A personal boundary works like an invisible wall you put up when you need space, and take down again when it’s time to deepen a relationship. They matter most in a genuine emergency, when you either have to ask for help or get on and deal with something alone — and they’re set and maintained through assertive communication (habit 1).

Resilient people have a strong sense of self-preservation, and an equally strong respect for other people’s. They don’t take on more than they can handle, and they balance what they do for others against what they do for themselves — which, in the long run, is what keeps them well enough to keep helping anyone at all. They also value independence, and encourage it in the people close to them, because a relationship built entirely on need isn’t a relationship between equals. Sometimes a real friend has to say ‘no’ to you, precisely because they’re encouraging your resilience rather than your dependency.

3. They exercise mind control

Mind control, in this sense, is the art of distinguishing between helpful and unhelpful thoughts — paying attention to the former while defusing from the latter. The opposite of resilience is stress, and people who get stressed are not in control of their minds; their minds control them, filled with a constant stream of thoughts dictating bad feelings and poor reactions.

The mind is a good servant but a bad master. The trick is to look at your thoughts rather than through them — thoughts aren’t reality, only versions of it, like paintings. Some are clumsy and ugly; others are clever and life-enhancing. Fuse only with the latter sort.

In a real crisis, this is what it looks like in practice. Resilient people stay in the moment, working on one problem at a time. They ignore what they can’t influence and focus on what they can. They deal with what is, rather than what might be. They set realistic goals based on the facts in front of them. They address concerns rather than worries. And they seek good advice wherever they can find it, and turn it into a plan.

4. They know what to do with their emotions

Resilient people are emotionally intelligent: they understand what emotions are for, pay careful attention to their own, and practise speaking up about them — which is how they build good working relationships.

Emotions are largely about self-preservation and connection to other people. If you’re on the wrong path in life, your emotions will warn you. If you’re in the wrong kind of relationship, they’ll warn you about that too. Fear, in particular, tells you that you may be out of your depth and need support.

Resilient people aren’t ashamed of being scared — fear simply tells them they need help, so they ask for it. The same goes for sadness, which isn’t weakness but a signal that something loved has been lost, and that some consolation is needed while they find their way through. Anger tells them something needs to be said out loud and stood up for; frustration, that they’re up against something that currently can’t be changed; boredom, that they’re stuck in a rut they need to move out of. Emotional expression and resilience go together — they guide healthy relationships and healthy choices, and they show us how to cope when tragedy comes around, as sooner or later it does.

5. They practice acceptance

Psychological acceptance is a habit of mind in which unwelcome experiences aren’t resisted or rejected, but accepted for what they are — including the thoughts and feelings that come with them. Acceptance doesn’t mean deciding that bad experiences are fine. It means recognising that they happen, and facing the facts head-on in a crisis rather than hiding from them. This is what makes resilient people hard realists.

The same applies to thought itself. Each of us has around 6,000 thought-chains a day, some negative, some helpful — it’s simply to be expected that we’ll get some of each. Acceptance doesn’t mean taking negative thoughts seriously; it means gently defusing from them and turning attention to thoughts that can actually make a difference. Emotions, too, are accepted as carrying important information, to be listened to with respect and acted on appropriately.

In practice, this looks like: looking at what can be influenced and ignoring what can’t; identifying the best short-term outcome; focusing on one small step at a time; looking at thoughts rather than through them; checking what emotions are pointing towards; and staying connected to your own values and priorities. The alternative — worrying that you won’t cope, dwelling on the worst case, wishing things were different, panic, hopelessness — leads only to avoidance or distraction, whether that’s alcohol, entertainment, procrastination, or endless over-thinking. None of it helps you take the next step. Acceptance focuses on action; negative judgment keeps you stuck.

6. They practice self-renewal

Resilient people are never quite satisfied with the status quo — they’re always looking for new horizons, continually re-inventing themselves. You’ll know someone who mysteriously gave up a lucrative job to travel, retrain, or start something new. That person is well-equipped to handle life’s disasters, because they’ve already shown they can let go of attachments and start again.

The ego, by contrast, gets over-attached to security and possessions, and fears risk — it prefers the safe and known, and over time builds comfort zones in which stagnation quietly accumulates. When upheaval strikes, that can produce anxiety and non-resilient responses. Paradoxically, it’s often exactly that upheaval which forces the change and self-renewal that follows, as the false self is given up and deeper personal resources are drawn on instead.

If you want to build this habit, start small: give up one thing you’ve become attached to that no longer serves you — a habit, a routine — and then identify a new skill, course, or trip you’d like to plan instead.

7. They spend time with resilient people

Resilient people actively reach out to others when they need help, and they tend to reach out to people who are as — or more — resilient than themselves. Who better to ask than someone who already knows how to handle a crisis? For that reason, resilient people notice resilience in others, and recruit them into their network of friends and supporters.

There’s a deeper mechanism at work here too, known as modelling: one of the main ways human beings acquire life skills is by observing and imitating the people around them — parents first, then teachers, mentors, and the people we admire, including people we’ve only ever ‘met’ in books or films. If there’s a habit on this list you recognise you don’t yet have, the most direct route to it is finding someone who does, and watching closely — or finding a coach or therapist who can teach it.

How do you spot a resilient person? Partly it’s the other eight habits on this list. But mostly it’s a feeling more than anything definable — a sense of someone comfortable inside their own skin, radiating assurance and integrity, always just being themselves. It shows in eye contact, in voice, in how relaxed they are in a room. It’s often more presence than checklist.

8. They take ownership

Resilient people take total responsibility for what happens to them. Another way to put it: they don’t practise self-pity. This isn’t the same as being the cause of everything that happens — you aren’t responsible for an accident, an illness, or a loss that wasn’t your doing. But in every case you can still decide how you respond. Ownership means taking charge of that response, whether at work, in relationships, or in adversity.

There’s a real difference between a reaction and a response. A reaction is automatic, predictable, and usually unhelpful: feeling overwhelmed and powerless, thinking “why does this have to happen to me?”, worrying you won’t cope, blame and recrimination, a meltdown. A response is planned, thoughtful, and focused: clearing the decks for action, focusing on what can be changed, examining possibilities, taking small steps one day at a time, and asking for help where it’s needed.

Ownership starts with accepting that life is sometimes hard (habit 5) — wishing it were different only adds to the suffering and takes away your power to act. A useful phrase to rehearse when you’re up against it: “OK, I’ve got this.” Ownership is right there in that sentence — you’ve got what happened, the capacity to bear it, and your next move. Resilient people also own their mistakes rather than gloss over them, because that’s how they learn: “I got that wrong, it won’t happen again” is a far more useful sentence than any amount of self-blame.

9. They are (mostly) spiritual people

This is one of the few habits on the list that’s actually been studied scientifically. Numerous surveys show that spiritual people tend to live longer, manage stress better, and report greater happiness on average, and they cope more effectively with serious or terminal illness.

By ‘spiritual’ here I mean a belief in a purpose that gives meaning and direction beyond the immediate self — which for some people is rooted in formal religious belief, and for many others isn’t. Some feel a sense of the divine at work; others find the same sense of meaning in the beauty of nature, in art, science or philosophy, or simply in being of service — to family, community, or future generations.

Part of why this connects to resilience is that spiritual values are linked to an enlarged sense of consciousness, in which the ego’s worries and fantasies can be seen from a wider perspective and, often, defused from more easily. Spiritual values also teach perseverance: when adversity strikes, as it always does, a sense of serving something beyond yourself is a defence against despair — and despair is resilience’s real enemy. It offers a refuge in crisis, tragedy and loss, the strength to keep going when giving up would be easier, and the capacity to support other people who are themselves trapped in hopelessness.

Building these habits for yourself

None of these nine habits are fixed traits you either have or don’t. Each is a skill, and skills can be built — usually faster with the right support than by trial and error alone. If you recognise you’re missing several of them, or if life has recently tested your resilience harder than usual, that’s exactly the kind of work covered in Resilience Coaching: assessing the specific challenges you’re facing, and building the coping mechanisms, boundaries and thinking patterns that reduce the personal cost of getting through them.

If you’d like support building resilience, get in touch to arrange an appointment.