This is the second in a series of nine articles on resilience.
The second habit is: Resilient people have solid boundaries
A common source of what some people call stress is to become over-loaded with demands from other people. Another, equally common is to become so isolated that you have no one to turn to when things get bad.
Knowing when to open up to people so that they become your friends and supporters, and when to say ‘No’ to people when you can’t take on any more is what ‘boundaries’ are for.
This is the first article in a series of nine.
The first habit is: Resilient people tell it the way it is
Another way of putting it is that resilient people are authentic. They can’t lie to themselves and they don’t lie to others. When they are happy they will tell you so; when they need help you will hear that too.
This truth-telling rests on deeper principles. Resilience relies on seeing things the way they really are (see Habit No. 5). Some delusions are based on wishful thinking; others are based on Junkmind worries. Resilient people don’t listen to worries and neither do they kid themselves when they are really up against it. Seeing the way things really are has survival value: if you know the truth about things then you are better equipped to handle adversity.
Another principle relates to emotional intelligence (see habit No. 4). Because emotions are the brain’s way of mobilising us to take action it is vital that we both recognise and articulate our emotions. Resilient people will therefore tell you when they are sad or scared in the same way they will tell you when they are angry. They will freely express their joy and excitement too. They know how to move closer towards their friends and they also know how to defend themselves against attack.
This is a new series on resilience.
I have been fortunate in meeting hundreds of resilient people in my time, some of them very humble people who were not obvious heroes and who yet overcame some terrible personal tragedies.
The nine habits are the stand-out, most commonly recurring traits I have noticed. In my work – whether in coaching or psychotherapy – I am always on the watch for resilience in my clients and will do whatever I can to turn their attention back to their strengths.
By ‘resilience’ I mean the ability to manage adversity. Adverse events can range from parenting out-of-control children to rescuing 70+ wounded soldiers while under intense Japanese sniper fire, as Desmond Doss (pictured) did on Hacksaw Ridge. It can show in the way you handle an argument at the office or in the way you help your friends. Or in your approach to disability, deprivation, abuse, poverty, unemployment, relationship breakdown, illness and death.
Here are the 9 habits:
- Resilient people tell it the way it is
- Resilient people have solid boundaries
- Resilient people exercise mind control
- Resilient people know what to do with their emotions
- Resilient people are hard realists
- Resilient people practice self-renewal
- Resilient people spend time with resilient people
- Resilient people take ownership
- Resilient people are (mostly) spiritual people
This post follows on from my earlier article Why Stress Does Not Exist.
It was Hans Selye who first coined the word ‘Stress’ in relation to non-specific illnesses. Contrary to popular myth, Selye did not say that ‘Stress’ caused illness. What he meant was that if the individual fails to adapt to adverse Life Events then a breakdown in body functions could occur. Examples of ‘bad’ life events include job loss, relationship breakdown, financial disaster, overwork and illness.
When the brain is working properly you will be grounded, happy, self-aware, decisive, passionate, magnetic, clear-thinking and focused on achieving your goals. But more than this you will be resilient – able to ride all the disasters that come your way and overcome what people used to call ‘stress’.
In this article I summarize the mind-skills you need to practice to make your brain work properly.
I wrote in my last article my that ‘stress’ is a meaningless term.
When we say we are ‘ill with stress’ we mean that we have anxiety, depression, or something like chronic fatigue syndrome, all of which have solutions and on all of which I have written elsewhere.
When we say ‘I am stressed’ what we mean is that we are overwhelmed with life-problems. Which means that we lack resilience.
Resilience is what survivors and other successful people have. You won’t hear resilient people say ‘I am stressed‘. Instead they will say something like: ‘Life’s tough at the moment but I’m dealing with it’. That’s because these people know about the power of words – telling yourself that you are stressed can make you ill, while telling others that you are working on resilience will keep you well.