Personal change

What is the ego?

One of the problems we human beings have is called the ego. It is also one reason why personal change can get complicated. Understanding what it is, and how it leads to engrained thoughts and cravings will leave you better equipped for change.

Your ego is not the self, which is something more mysterious and connected to consciousness. Rather, it is your false personality; your idea of the person you ought to be, as taken over from other people and the story that came out of that. Over time, it has become your crusted-over identity as stored in the mind, filled with habitual thoughts, ego cravings, memories and fantasies. It is entirely mechanical and might be likened to your programmed self.

The origin of the ego

In the beginning the ego was created people as gazed into our eyes. Or, more precisely, how we thought people were looking at us. As children we learned early on whether we were lovable or loathsome, respected or rejected, attractive or unattractive. Both by the way we people looked into us, and by the way they treated us. And that constant attention to the gaze of others stays with us into old age.

That doesn’t mean we accepted what others thought of us. We may, instead have rebelled against their judgments. Just as a child labelled ‘weak’ or ‘stupid’ may develop an ego that is ‘strong’ and ‘superior’. But if we are loved and cared for, we develop an ego position based on the idea that we are lovable. Taken too far that ego position may even lead to ‘entitlement’. Most of us can think of people we have met who are spoilt that way: their egos are narcissistic.

But other egos are damaged by over-harsh demands on the child; by neglect and abuse. The program (or story) that develops from that is that the person is always lacking in something. They go through life searching for something to fill that lack: money, attention, success, or membership of a cult, for example. A few enter therapy or a spiritual practice seeking to become a better person, worthy of love.

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Are self-help books useful?

Do self-help books help? That has been a matter of debate over the past twenty years. Despite the fact that last year $1.5 billion was spent on them in the United States.

My conclusion about many of them is that their impact might not be as great as their jacket blurbs suggest. A view partly supported by a 2015 study on individuals with mental health issues who read self-help books, which concluded that for the most part their symptoms worsened on doing so. Partly because readers did not follow through on the advice offered, partly also because they did not have the support of a trained professional to show them how to use the advice provided in the book.

On the other hand, the evidence suggests that clearly written self-help books offering specific advice on life skills, such as time-management, mindfulness, stress relief, communication skills and problem-solving benefit most.

I believe that self-help books are more likely to be effective when used with psychotherapy or coaching, a conclusion also borne out by research. So I continue to recommend books to my clients as an assignment when I want to reinforce the work we do in-session.

What to look for in a self-help book

This is not a list of ‘best’ self-help books. Rather, it is a list of books I have found useful for myself and clients. My criteria for recommending books are that a) the book should have a few simple ideas, clearly explained, or b) should be well written, with good stories and examples, or c) be inspirational or profound in some way, or d) contain well thought-out practical advice when dealing with life problems.

Ten self-help books that make a difference

In order of publication date, here is the list.

Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway. Susan Jeffers 1987.

In the late 80s this was the No. 1 best-selling self-help book in the world, and it is not hard to see why. Susan Jeffers writes in a compelling, personal style with plenty of stories based on her own experience with an anxiety disorder. In fact her book should really be called ‘Feel the Anxiety and Do It Anyway.’ Her main idea is simple: that anxiety is not a reason to stop doing the things that are important to you. That giving up when you have anxious thoughts will only reinforce their hold over you. This important idea is a staple in Acceptance & Commitment therapy.

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