In an earlier article on assertiveness I gave you a simple method for requesting changes when you encounter unhelpful behaviour from others. In this article I offer four playful ways to push back against unwanted judgments. These could be put-downs, unhelpful criticism, or labels (e.g. ‘You’re hopeless”).
Critics of assertiveness techniques sometimes claim that they can be heard as aggressive, thus alienating friends and family, and escalating arguments. While assertiveness may be useful when dealing with bullies they argue, it may be less so within relationships that matter.
This problem relates to personal boundaries: those lines we draw between ourselves and other people, and between our needs and theirs. The boundaries you draw between you and those who attack you should be solid, like a wall. Those you draw between yourself and those closer to you should be like a fence with gates. Enabling you to let some comments pass, while shutting the gate on those that are out of line.
Playful assertiveness gives you the option of pushing back on unhelpful remarks without provoking an argument (unless your friend/parent/child/partner/colleague actually wants one, in which case you can push back harder). Using mild confusion to fog the issue, agreeing with what might be true, and putting the ball back in the speaker’s court by asking for clarification and advice.
As always with assertive techniques you should remain calm, make good eye contact and keep your voice low for maximum effect. Use a light touch, and employ humour where possible.
The Vague Agreement technique
The simplest way to defuse criticism is to agree with it. This make it difficult for others to follow up on their line of attack. This technique is especially useful if there is some truth in what has been said. Agreeing in part with what might be true, while at the same time sounding vague about the rest.
Example: “You’re lazy.”
Response: “Yes. It’s my day off.”
Other responses:
Yes, I have been tired lately.
It’s true I got up late this morning.
I know, I get like that sometimes.
It helps to sound vague and off-hand when you use the Vague Agreement technique. As if the matter is of least importance to you.
The Fogging technique
As the term implies, fogging blurs the issue, creating mild confusion. It relies on making vague, off-beat or tangential replies that leave your critic hanging in the air. The effect is amplified if you sound slow and confused yourself.
Example:
“You worry me.”
Response: “I’m sorry to hear that.”
Other replies:
Do you worry a lot?
Now you’re getting me worried about you worrying.
Someone was telling me just the other day that worrying is bad for you.
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