This is the second in a series of nine articles on resilience.
The second habit is: Resilient people have solid boundaries
A common source of what some people call stress is to become over-loaded with demands from other people. Another, equally common is to become so isolated that you have no one to turn to when things get bad.
Knowing when to open up to people so that they become your friends and supporters, and when to say ‘No’ to people when you can’t take on any more is what ‘boundaries’ are for.
This is the first article in a series of nine.
The first habit is: Resilient people tell it the way it is
Another way of putting it is that resilient people are authentic. They can’t lie to themselves and they don’t lie to others. When they are happy they will tell you so; when they need help you will hear that too.
This truth-telling rests on deeper principles. Resilience relies on seeing things the way they really are (see Habit No. 5). Some delusions are based on wishful thinking; others are based on Junkmind worries. Resilient people don’t listen to worries and neither do they kid themselves when they are really up against it. Seeing the way things really are has survival value: if you know the truth about things then you are better equipped to handle adversity.
Another principle relates to emotional intelligence (see habit No. 4). Because emotions are the brain’s way of mobilising us to take action it is vital that we both recognise and articulate our emotions. Resilient people will therefore tell you when they are sad or scared in the same way they will tell you when they are angry. They will freely express their joy and excitement too. They know how to move closer towards their friends and they also know how to defend themselves against attack.
This is a new series on resilience.
I have been fortunate in meeting hundreds of resilient people in my time, some of them very humble people who were not obvious heroes and who yet overcame some terrible personal tragedies.
The nine habits are the stand-out, most commonly recurring traits I have noticed. In my work – whether in coaching or psychotherapy – I am always on the watch for resilience in my clients and will do whatever I can to turn their attention back to their strengths.
By ‘resilience’ I mean the ability to manage adversity. Adverse events can range from parenting out-of-control children to rescuing 70+ wounded soldiers while under intense Japanese sniper fire, as Desmond Doss (pictured) did on Hacksaw Ridge. It can show in the way you handle an argument at the office or in the way you help your friends. Or in your approach to disability, deprivation, abuse, poverty, unemployment, relationship breakdown, illness and death.
Here are the 9 habits:
- Resilient people tell it the way it is
- Resilient people have solid boundaries
- Resilient people exercise mind control
- Resilient people know what to do with their emotions
- Resilient people are hard realists
- Resilient people practice self-renewal
- Resilient people spend time with resilient people
- Resilient people take ownership
- Resilient people are (mostly) spiritual people
I have been practicing psychotherapy for nearly 30 years now, continually asking myself (and others) the question: how and why and where and when does therapy get results?
Here are some of the things I have learned:
- No one technique or type of therapy works all the time (or even most of the time)
- The experience of the therapist is more important than any other qualification
- Therapists who can work on different levels – thoughts, emotions, relationships, the body/brain, behaviour and the environment are more likely to be effective
- Therapists who adapt to the client with different styles of communication: listening, teaching, nurturing, challenging, directing and humorous – are also more likely to be effective
- Analysis of past events or ‘the unconscious mind’ is only marginally useful
- It is not what the therapist says that is important; it is what the client does with the information given
- Most of the changes the client hopes for will come in the first few sessions
I have now published the new paperback on Reverse Therapy.
This replaces the best-selling 2005 Book M.E., Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Fibromyalgia – The Reverse Therapy approach. Contains new and up-to-date information on the Reverse Therapy approach as well as explanations for the conditions it treats. This conditions include: chronic fatigue syndrome, fibromyalgia, tension myositis, medically unexplained pain, irritable bowel syndrome (IBS), eczema, psoriasis and auto-immune disease.
Further information about the book:
Reverse Therapy is a radical Bodymind healing process and is an effective treatment for Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Fibromyalgia and other medically unexplained disorders. It has helped thousands of people recover from these disorders since it was first offered to the General Public in 2003. Reverse Therapy is explained in simple terms, accessible to the general reader. The first chapter describes how the ideas for Reverse Therapy evolved, along with and underlying treatment process. Other chapters explain the nature of these illnesses and what exactly causes the symptoms. Then the book goes on to explain how and why Reverse Therapy works and what sufferers can do to get well again.
To purchase the book on Amazon click here.
It is now practically a cliche, and has been so ever since Howard Gardner published his work on the 7 different types of Intelligence, that we human beings possess multiple minds. Of which the ‘Rational Mind’ and ‘Emotional Mind’ are perhaps the most familiar.
I was thinking about this fact when one of my clients reminded me of the ‘Rational Mind – Emotional Mind – Wise Mind’ scheme which (I think) was first sketched by Marsha Linehan – the founder of Dialectical-Behaviour Therapy. DBT is the treatment of choice for Borderline Personality Disorder and in my view is a very powerful model indeed and I have great respect for Linehan’s work. The purpose of the model is to help people with Borderline Personality Disorder stay in ‘Wise Mind’, avoiding over-analytical thinking and ‘irrational’ emotions and retaining Mindfulness. This is a good strategy for people who are overwhelmed by anxiety, bad moods and tantrums but I think it is too negative about the Rational Mind and the Emotional Mind. It also leaves out ‘Bodymind’ – the real source of emotional intelligence.
So here is my own model:
Most approaches to anger management are fatally flawed through seeing anger as bad and something to be controlled and avoided. People with ‘anger management issues’ may be referred on to psychobabble specialists like Dr Buddy Rydell as played in the film Anger Management who treat anger as a mental health disorder rather than as a potentially healthy response to poor behaviour on the part of others.
The study of emotional intelligence suggests a different view.
Anger is good:
- It brings issues out into the open
- It gets you taken seriously
- It corrects poor behaviour
- It initiates change in others
- It fights injustice (think Martin Luther King)
- It protects you from manipulators
- It urges you to leave abusive relationships
- It forces you to define yourself and what you want
- It helps you towards self-respect
- It maintains boundaries between you and others
Rage is bad….