Common mistakes that drain mental health
This June will be the 35th anniversary of my career in treating mental health problems. My first client was a young person with social anxiety who, perforce, suffered from loneliness. Therapy, for him, involved getting him to do the thing he most wanted to do (i.e. meet new friends) without letting anxious thoughts interfere with the life he wanted to have. Thereby releasing him from his comfort zone (No. 2 on the list) and connecting him to one of his key values in life (No. 9).
Over that time I have come to notice common themes that regularly appear in the stories clients tell me. Themes that have to do with the personal unhappiness they experienced prior to the onset of a mental health disorder.
Anxiety disorders, depression and stress are the three most common issues clients bring to therapy. And all three are either rooted in, or made worse by, the mistakes listed below. Most often these mistakes form a prelude to therapy: developing bad habits, creating dissatisfaction with life, getting stuck in a rut, weakening resilience, and becoming unhappy.
Here is a list of the most common patterns.
- Overthinking
- Staying in your comfort zone
- Hanging on to dead zones
- Slavery to routine
- Weak boundaries
- Losing vitality
- Escapism
- Living in the past
- Disconnection
- Inauthenticity
It is my firm belief that careful attention to these mistakes will make it less likely that you will need to see a psychotherapist
Mental health mistake 1: Overthinking
Overthinking refers to a variety of internal problems: worrying, analysis-paralysis, comparing yourself to others, negative self-judgments and obsessionality. It also refers to information overload that arises from obsessively following the news, trawling the web and spending excessive amounts of time on intellectual work (if that is your job).
If you are a worrier then the solution is to practice some form of meditation and link it to the art of thought defusion. This especially applies to those of you with anxiety or depression.
If you spend a lot of time on media then you should consider rationing your exposure. Training your mind on issues you can’t really do much about, or filling it with trivia means you have less space to employ thinking to some purpose. Namely on becoming the best you can be.
In general you should only engage in thinking when it has a practical purpose: making plans and decisions, solving a problem, studying or writing, communicating to others. If anxiety is present then that is a sure sign that thinking is being misused and your mental health will suffer accordingly.
Mental health mistake 2: Staying in your comfort zone
Staying in your comfort zones is a form of avoidance. The reason people cling to comfort is because it is safe. Comfort zones come into view when a challenge appears where facing up to it will entail some discomfort or fear. For example, asking someone out on a date, going to a party where you know no one there, attending a job interview or speaking up for yourself. Rather than doing something that might improve their position the avoider will choose to decline the invitation.
Yet discomfort zones are where the personal growth is, and you can’t lose no matter what the outcome. If the other party declines to go on that date you still have the good feeling that comes with overcoming your fear. That, in turn, will make it easier for you to take up your next challenge. While sitting at home will merely feed your inner helplessness.
Mental health mistake 3: Hanging on to dead zones
Dead zones are similar to comfort zones except they are not comfortable. They relate to situations of various kinds that no longer provide you with reward. These can be dead-end jobs, broken relationships, or ‘friends’ with whom you no longer have anything in common. But you stay with them because they are known quantities rather than the unknown (and scary) alternative.
But the longer you stay in these dead zones the more you disconnect from your emotions and values as your mental health deteriorates. While at the same passing up on the opportunity to work or play with people who might bring you a fresh start.
You can recognise dead zones whenever you feel you are stuck in a rut, or bored with the same old scenes. That is your cue to move on if you can’t inject new life into the situation.
Health health mistake 4: Slavery to routine
Staying in a dead zone will most likely make you a slave to routine. However, routine can take over your life in other ways, especially if you suffer from slavery to rules, or psychological inflexibility. Rule-bound behaviour is typically rigid: always having to do the same thing in the same way. Or else they block you from trying something different. For example, if you have an inflexible rule in your head that states you should always put other people first it is unlikely you will ever do something just for yourself.
Slavery might also take you over if you don’t have much that stimulates you. If your life is devoid of reward then one day in the dead zone pretty seems pretty much like the next. Getting up, going to a boring or stressful job, coming home exhausted, then spending an evening on your own playing video games. Over time your mental health slowly drains away.
Mental health mistake 5: Weak boundaries
Personal boundaries are psychological screens between you and other people. Inside the space are your rights, feelings, needs and values. On the other side are the wants of other people. When you are in a relationship of trust you can open the screen; when others seek to exploit you the barrier goes up and you push back.
When your boundaries are too rigid you don’t let anyone in. Mistrustful, you keep your distance and lead a lonely life, rarely reaching out to others. That leads to the disconnection described in mistake No. 9 in this article (see below).
When your boundaries are too open you have the opposite problem. Due to anxiety you become over-dependent and something of a people-pleaser, rarely saying ‘No’ to unreasonable demands. This leads, in turn, to your becoming overwhelmed with burdens at home, at work, or in your family/social circle. Before too long you will become a slave and your mental health suffers accordingly,
For more on how to assert your rights and maintain healthy boundaries see this article here.
Mental Health mistake 6: Losing vitality
Vitality is linked to your sense of being truly alive. Filled with energy, zest and joy in life. The opposite of depression in fact. A healthy diet is important here. And so is regular (hard) exercise that keeps the weight off and raises your endorphins. If you eat too much junk food, drink too much alcohol or take too many drugs that will drain your vitality. Leaving you with less energy for activities that improve your mental health.
Our sense of aliveness is also connected to subtler influences. For example, research shows that regular contact with Nature improves mood and reduces stress. More importantly it fosters a sense of connection to something greater than ourselves: to this mysterious and miraculous creation in which we dwell.
Personal connection to your values makes it more likely you will engage in activities that make the world a better place, thus leading to that elusive sense of aliveness which is at the root of mental health.
A sense of connection also derives from good relationships. That might be with your partner or it might be with your dog: there is a reason why many people who live alone keep pets.
Mental health mistake 7: Escapism
Escapism is what people do when they are in avoidance mode. Instead of dealing with life problems, dwindling relationships, work-related stress, or their troublesome emotions they turn to mind-numbing activities, many of which they carry around on their mobile phones. Social media is in fact the most common type of escapism. Followed by tv streams, video games and online shopping.
If that doesn’t work then food, alcohol and other drugs are freely available. Sadly, some otherwise healthy activities can also be subtle evasions: meditation, over-exercise and an obsession with personal appearance spring to mind here.
One warning sign that your activities are a form of escapism is that they are compulsive, repetitive and addictive. Another is that they don’t make you happy for long; instead they leave you feeling empty, bored and unhappy in your own skin.
Mental Health mistake 8: Living in the past
Living in the past can also be a form of escapism, as can fantasising about the future. You might live in the past a lot due to the fact that it was mostly unhappy. If that is the case then it might be time to make your peace with it, and psychotherapy could be of assistance to you. If, on the other hand, you spend a lot of time in the land of might-have-been, or dwelling on good memories, that is a sure sign that your mental health requires some attention. It is likely that the past seems more attractive to you because it seems better than what you have now.
The fact is that the past, like the imaginary future, is just a collection of thoughts. Neither the past nor the future exist anywhere except in the thoughts you have about either in the present moment. In other words, there is only the Power of Now.
The present moment is all there is, and it is the only place where you can take action. Your life is what you make it today; those memories you are recalling are really only a game of chinese whispers played by the mind. Unless you are seeking information from the past that can assist you in the present they are best left where they are.
Mental health mistake 9: Disconnection
The state of disconnection can be recognised though the feelings that go with it: restlessness, boredom and emptiness. Moments when you look at your watch and realise that you have hours to fill in and nothing to do. That the idea of doing the things you could do fills you with still more boredom. At which point you might decide to have another trawl through the internet, eat some more junk food, or go to the pub.
Superficially, you are probably overthinking: either about the unsatisfactory state of the world, or else about your unhelpful thoughts. But, go deeper, and you will see that your distracting thoughts are merely a mask for your disconnection from life, from other people, or from yourself. That what you are actually experiencing is a state of meaninglessness.
In general, a meaningful life comes from connection to something outside ourselves, or from a connection to the deeper self. Outside the self is love, or at least some kind of involvement with other people; with purposeful work; with improving society; with nature; or with whatever spiritual path that happens to interest you.
Inside the self the relevant connections relate to your values, your talents, your passions, your creativity, and -again – your spirit. A useful guide to how these things come together is the Japanese concept of Ikigai, which translates as ‘a reason to live’.
I have never yet met a depressed person, or an alcoholic, that did not suffer from a state of disconnection. And whose path back to mental health required them to recover some meaning and purpose in life. Cultivating this dimension of existence will ensure you do not suffer their fate.
Mental Health mistake 10: Inauthenticity
This mistake is closely related to Disconnection, but it is also related to most of the other mistakes described in this article. At bottom it comes down to not being true to yourself, living instead according to social conditioning or to the rules other people have bestowed on you.
As children we slipped into inauthenticity the moment we accepted our parents guidelines around life, a state compounded as we moved through school and college and onto work. Along the way adopting the habits and rituals of whatever tribe we found ourselves in. All this is necessary conditioning – a set of ego-based rules that enable us to function in society. But in every life there comes a point when we have to cut loose from all this and find out who we really are. That can be scary.
Who we are isn’t summed up by the things we do, or by our possessions and status in life. It relates to our essence, or spirit. That inner voice which points to our own unique take on life, based in turn on our chosen values and the activities that fulfil them.
The first step is to start telling the truth: the way things are for us, no matter how partial or incomplete our perceptions may be. To take a trivial example: you may have gone along for years with the general opinion, shared by your partner and friends that smoking X is cool. Then one morning you wake up and realise that you don’t actually like smoking X and it’s time to stop. But your partner and friends feel uncomfortable if they smoke and you don’t.
Your choice is to go along with what others want, or do what you consider right for you. If you select the first option you will surrender your authenticity, and that (I promise) will eat away at your mental health.
The most common type of inauthenticity is to continue with a form of life that no longer satisfies your essence. The second most common is to continue giving in to the demands of others when inwardly that doesn’t feel right for you. For that reason authenticity requires regular self-examination and correction. Paying close attention to your deepest emotions and their related needs. And your deeper purpose in life.